For my east coast friends who remain geographically challenged Missouri is a state, a part of the United States and just south, that’s down, of Iowa. Missouri is the “Show Me State” which once again Iowans are stuck showing them the errors of their ways. Missouri’s elected officials are picking on exotic dancers a-g-a-i-n. If Missourians are going to pick on exotic dancers then we may as well debate the merits of that age old tradition, the demolition derby.  Boiled down to its essence, assuming there is an essence, the demolition derby is a contest that seeks to find several people dumb enough for a small cash prize, to climb into a car or truck and ram other contestants until you’re the last fool moving. Sounds a little like some marriages, but let’s leave that comparison for another day. In the derby the cash prize comes from a promoter who sells beer, pretzels, popcorn, hotdogs and maybe a t-shirt or two. Exotic dancers on the other hand are usually young woman dancing on a stage or in someone’s lap for tip money. The promoter is a bar owner who charges an entry fee and gets paid handsomely for selling inebriated patrons watered down drinks containing a small portion of alcohol.  They aren’t selling t-shirts; in fact clothing is optional, well … at least it is for the dancers.  

The economy must be really bad in Missouri because a couple of legislators need to distract the voters with being reminded of how immoral they are in Missouri. For those of you who think I’m the un-American one for picking on Missouri let me remind you that pole dancing will be a part of the upcoming Olympics. Mai Sato, 29, from Japan is the current world champion pole dancer. You see I’m really not kidding about Missourians. We all need to show them the way. Are the Olympics ready for … pole dancing?, AP February 22, 2010

The moral argument is that exotic dancing is demeaning, which it probably is to someone not earning $50,000 to $150,000 per year dancing, and that participating in it hurts young women and costs society economically. Well it probably does just like state sanctioned gambling does, but hey while we are on the subject let’s get away from Blackjack and back to comparing dancing with the demolition- derby. First let’s look at a recent story from Worth County, Iowa and ask the question: From a public policy standpoint which would you consider worse: the demolition derby or the exotic dancer?

The demolition derby driver in Worth County, Iowa that was burned after his car exploded on a Sunday evening in June, 2010 has to be wondering why he ever agreed to enter this contest at the Worth County fairgrounds. The KCCI report indicates the car exploded after a head-on collision involving two contestants. I’ll bet the fans loved seeing that.  Being a lawyer that helps injured people I’ll go out on a limb here and guess that the liability releases the contestant signed must be iron-clad and relieve the sponsors and fair grounds from liability. A waiver or release means the promoters don’t have to inspect the cars or drivers because they are bullet proof. Which leaves me wondering who gets to pay for the medical treatment this man will surely require? Me? You? Will it be the taxpayers? Is there any requirement for demolition derby drivers to show proof of medical insurance? Probably not; because after all to do so might offend spectators that vote and who might then take out their frustrations on elected officials.

If you don’t already know, a demolition derby has high speed collisions that cause physical impacts hard enough to break bones, cause brain damage and other severe bodily injuries while providing spectators with something called “entertainment”. Some have medical insurance, but my guess is most won’t and no one will want to survey the group because to do so would once again cause angst amongst the voting public. Spectators don’t like worrying about sorted details that take their minds off of spectating.  

Here is a second guess on my part: Probably no demolition derby participant has a long-term disability insurance policy and no participant is required to prove they do before getting in the contest. Now that’s a not too brilliant public policy.  The government supplies the location where you can create physical injury including brain damage and no one is checking to see if the participants have insurance to cover the medical bills and other disabling injuries that will preclude them from a lifetime of employment. For those of you unable to understand what I just said, it means some guy is going to be unemployed for the rest of his life and you and I are going to pay him. Who came up with this idea? It must have been Nebraskans.

How about that concept of demeaning? If you want to see demeaning then try representing the guy who can no longer support his family or figure out a schedule because the part of his brain controlling executive function no longer works. That’s what brain damage from a head injury can do.

You know what my guess is? You knew I was going to tell you. When the drivers are injured the public more than likely pays for their medical care through county hospitals, state aid and Social Security Disability benefits. They hire lawyers because we are the only people willing to listen and who know how to stop the bill collectors and who can get a stream of income started to put food in hungry little mouths. Now let’s get back to the exotic dancers who might just be paying income taxes.

Exotic dancers hardly ever suffer broken bones, unless of course they slip on the dance floor or a pole breaks and they fall hard. Some actually do have medical insurance. A few I’ve represented treat dancing like it were a business because to some it is. Probably none have a long-term disability insurance policy although having a blister on your heel won’t qualify you for Social Security benefits. 

From a public policy standpoint which do you consider worse: the demolition derby or the exotic dancer?

Most mothers and fathers don’t promote their children aspiring to a profession to be either a demolition derby driver or an exotic dancer.  Spectators watching exotic dancers probably get more exercise than do NASCAR fans who sit for hours while watching cars continue to make left turns. Because demolition derby race teams employ more mechanics, promoters, hot-dog vendors and clean-up crews that “sport” probably creates more tax revenues for city and state governments.  For the stripper you need the dancer, the bartender, a club owner, a bouncer and a clean-up crew. But then again we have more strip clubs working daily and demolition derby contests are held not very often. Maybe Missouri should study the tax revenue being generated by both and then they wouldn’t have to preach morality to the electorate. After all isn’t morality the business of religion?

Demolition derby drivers certainly sustain far more serious personal injury than do exotic dancers and the degree to which they must be sustaining injury to their brains and heads must be considered heavily against the derby driver. So which is worse? They seem fairly equal in all aspects except personal injury which goes against derby drivers and in favor of the pasty crowd.  I’ve got a great idea. Why not combine the two and give NASCAR participants more exercise and less coronary heart disease. During intermission dancers could be stationed on platforms throughout the arena and would gyrate to the sounds blaring from loud speakers.  Hot dog venders and banksters could work the crowd selling hotdogs and changing tens and twenties to singles. Combining the two would benefit NASCAR spectators who would get more than just torticollis from watching all those left turns. But let’s get back to the legal and public interest aspects of each for no reason other than that’s what legal writers are supposed to do.

I wouldn’t advocate banning the demo-derby. But perhaps banning this kind of entertainment to participants with insufficient health insurance or promoters who have not purchased accidental health/medical insurance covering the participants would be the kind of tort reform that makes complete sense out of nonsense. What kind of foolishness is this for a county fairground to participate in? Perhaps gun dueling between politicians would be a more favorable use of government largess.

So here is the moral of the story, exotic dancing is what it is and demolition derby is what it is. This is America not some third world country where mother’s, breast feeding babies beg for money on the city streets. Panhandling is not a profession and although exotic dancing isn’t what I want my children doing it, for some it does pay the bills and does raise revenue to run city governments. If you really want to control it, why not put a tax collector on-site. My guess is that what makes exotic dancing so enticing is not the idea of lap dancing away the night, but the tax-free money they collect on a nightly basis. It’s not about taking off their clothes or gyrating on somebody’s lap for a dollar that has them working the strip club circuit. Like politicians what excites them are all those dollar bills.  Missouri ought to leave the morality lessons for the church crowd; make government about what it’s supposed to be not some lap dance distraction.

As for the injured demolition derby driver, the report provided no facts of how badly the driver was burned, if he was hospitalized and the extent of his injuries or rehabilitation needed to make him once again foolish enough to participate in the next demolitions derby at the Worthless County Fair Grounds.  And in the name of God. God help us all.